I was on point for quite a while there. Working and writing were happening simultaneously and, while the process was anything but seamless, I’d learned how to operate quite well in chaos. Then, however, there came the notion that there was a better way to do it. Do what? It all. A better way to work. A better way to write. A bigger goal. More to do. As my mind grasped all the ‘how tos’ happening between my ears, I stalled. The added pressure was both welcomed and terrifying.
At almost the same time, a coworker of mine was killed in motorcycle accident and, of course, that made me think more about my life…my choices. If I were to go today and had the chance to look back on my life, would I be happy with what I’d done with the time I was given? It moved writing from a nice to do to who I am. It made my relationships more than just empty conversations. I’ve talked to more people about my writing, my goals and my book in the last few weeks than I have in the last 6 months. Time to stop pussyfooting around.
While fighting in the pillow sack with all those emotions, things started picking up at work. Deadlines, commitments and meetings, I attended lots and lots of meetings. On the outside, I was still moving but on the inside, I stayed motionless. Frustrated with what looked like lack of motivation and focus, I yelled at myself for fearing success. How can you get this far and then stop?, I asked myself. There are phases of self-discipline and this was just the first phase. I’d gotten a taste of life with defined goals, I’d seen what I could do with just a little commitment and I loved it. With training wheels fully intact, I’d gotten the concept but I felt it was time to learn how to balance it all on my own.
Then I saw this….
and it all made sense.
Things are as they should be. Things aren’t moving as fast as I’d like right now but today isn’t forever. No need in wishing that I could fast forward pass this stage in life, I simply need to utilize what I have right now. I don’t know what’s next because I’m not suppose to know. The whisper of what lies ahead was just that, a whisper. There were no dates, no way of knowing which direction to head in and nothing telling me when to start. There was only confirmation. I know for a fact I will continue moving forward and, today, that’s enough.
Like these little guys, I have no idea when the time will come to transition but I know another phase is coming. I don’t even know if they know that much. I think they’re just happy to have the means of transportation they have today. I could stand over them and scream “But you’re a butterfly!” and it wouldn’t matter one bit. They approach every day like the last, in trust. When it’s time to transition to something else, they’ll know it. I’ll know it. And when that time comes, we’ll know just what to do. Heck, if I were to tell them anything I’d probably need to tell them that they’ll lose all forms of mobility before they reach butterfly status. Things might slow down just as much for me but if it wouldn’t stop them from moving forward then why let it stop me. Simply because we can’t see growth doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Mother Nature does some of her best work in the dark.
So, I’ll do what I’ve been doing until instructed otherwise. I’m settling down in life and resting in the fact that I don’t have to know it all right now. I accept that there’s still so much more for me to learn about myself and that’s enough to keep me busy. It’s true, Spring has sprung but, if you’d slow down, there’s a much better view.